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The Sista
dorianrae.easyjournal.com
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Female,
54
Antioch,
IL
United States
Chatter from a US middle aged female Christian mind. Dangerous combination? you decide.
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7.10.2008
W00t! Bloggers to Authors
I am so proud of two of my blog friends for collaborating and writing something that is gonna get published! I had no idea that they were related, though I did come to know one by reading the other's blog and finding comments there.
So, loud hurrahs and giggly High fives from this lady to those men: iammyself and meagle in EasyJournal land!
As I said in my note: don't let any cynics or critics cut you so deep that you can't feel the "we did it" euphoria you should feel! God's blessings to you both for making it happen, and allowing me to enjoy knowing someone who did it. =)
6.23.2008
A Friend's Warm Wish
I don't usually blog here anymore. I have a few other places to write my thoughts and life events, and if you are interested, you might visit these areas: (http://www.xanga.com/IMChurchmouse, http://www.myspace.com/dorianrae). Having said that, I find that I may need one place to say things more thoughtful.
When I write my thoughts more completely, my younger son lets me know that I have gone too far and written too many words "after all, who would bother to read all that?" He's not alone in that observation, so it isn't cruel of him to say it. It's a great question, and it's been the one I measure myself by. I have no thoughts that are wholly original. I admit it. I have nothing new to say in any way that might satisfy the general public as I understand its interests. I only know how to be who I am, and I only trust myself to express who I am. Is that what the world is clamoring after? Not as far as my apparent isolation seems to make real. But for now, I will ignore those who would save the readers from textual presentations and instead I'll mutter the advice: "Save Yourselves!"
I feel loved, of that I am certain. I have two sons who are trying to find ways to express themselves in ways that they can be proudest of, and I do my best to let them know that their reality is something to be proudest of. Sometimes, they do hear me, but mostly I am a "just Mom, and she has to love me" sound in their ears. I understand, and hope that I have still have managed to resonate in a meaningful way that might go beyond "just Mom" when they need it to. I feel loved by them when I need to know it most, too. I comfort myself that someday I may feel it more when they realize that I need it more. For now, I am not a real human to them -yet. Or maybe they think I don't see them as real humans. Ah, but I do...
My daughters-in-law are lovely intelligent women that I am proud of, and I like their parents very much as well. I am learning that I am blessed among women to have sons who have chosen well and wisely. I also feel valued by these young women in spite of the legends that murkily cloud the title of "mother-in-law". There is caution yet, and that will last awhile longer since their marriages are less than 5 years old. While there are no grandchildren yet, I am thankful above all that they will appear within the confines of married parents - a rare thing in today's world.
I have siblings of every variety. I have full sisters, half sisters and brothers, foster sisters and brothers, church sisters and brothers of Christ and unchurched sisters and brothers of Christ. All and each have expressed a strength of affection in my direction that I will embrace as love. Some have only expressed a satisfactory linkage, too. I like both, as long as they are real. I find good expressions of love flowing both outward and inward with these beloveds in my life. Even if it is limited, it is good.
That's the valuable thing: whatever is honest and real. I don't want fairy tales anymore. They've hurt me far more than reality has. I don't want deception, for that is where heartbreak comes in with the most cruelty. I trusted, and they were not trustworthy - their fault, but my eggregious pain. What matters most is always my pain, since it is mine. I also find that forgiveness comes easier for that, as I focus on personal survival with grace and wisdom, more than retribution.
What am I getting at? Well, perhaps it is badly done on my part; but I am responding to a wish that my girlfriend's heart expressed for me this weekend. She hoped I would someday find "a good Christian man" to become partnered with, and praised me for my not having taken the first few unwise offers that came along. I thanked her for her desire for me, but there was a quiet disagreement. I know that Scripture even agrees with her wish for me:
Ecc 4:9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.
Even so, I don't know that I share this desire for my future. I don't feel that I fit the profile of who or what that man would be looking for; and I don't know that I want to change myself into that woman so that he'd value me in that way. I don't think that what he is looking for is a bad woman to be (or for him to desire); just that I am tired of trying to be someone I am not. I am also irritated with the someone I am, since I am not wholly happy with where she is, or how she looks. Nevertheless, I am who I am right now and right here. I want to like the life I am living as long as I can trust God has a plan that is still active and working. Why desire the extra work of aligning myself to another person's life's needs?
Scripture also says this about a relationship that is working as my gf wants my future one to work:
Ecc 4:12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
When I read that, I think "me, plus he, plus God, are not going to be easily broken". Well, it is a real challenge to discern where any person's beliefs are parallel to our own where we'd be unified just that strongly. There are so many differences from person to person that are at best irritating and divisive, and at worst, offending and hurtful. I'm not even talking about lifestyle activities (like customs, tastes in homelife patterns, entertainment options, or even desired church homes) yet. Just beliefs.
The element of time is the only remedy for these impurities. When I see any demonstration of this kind of empowerment in a joining, when I examine the lives around me, they all have this element of "we've been agreeably familiar with each other for a long time" at work. They don't always agree, but they always understand each other. I am not young enough to experience that element in a relationship, if that model is true. I have no male friends over that length of time who meet that criteria either. So, again, I find that it seems foolish to hold onto that possibility as part of my future expectations.
What about loneliness? I ask that outright, since many are afraid to ask it. I will answer you this way: I was married for almost three decades, and it didn't stop loneliness from happening. I don't know anyone who is happily married who would argue with me on that either. There were happy and satisfying years in my experience, and even at those times, I knew soul-aching loneliness. I've decided that is when God is waving at me to stop living my life as if I am a human having spiritual experiences. Instead, He wants me to realize that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Dunno who first said that, but I love the profound truth of it, and nothing other than loneliness drives me so fast or deeply into the arms of God. So, that's what it is for.
Yes, marriage can eliminate the empty times where you might have a conversation with someone who is immediately available rather than them not being available. However, there are also many times where you may want to discuss something and your partner doesn't. Even if they aren't busy with something else. Marriage is not a complete remedy for loneliness, so let's stop asking it to be. It is a great place to find help when you need it if the bonds are loyal, though. That's where affection comes in. The more the affection, the stronger the desire to help is.
So, I guess I am saying that I like knowing that God is my spouse. Sure, there is no sexual satisfaction in that tryst; but don't get me started on where the limits are with sexual unions. And I say that with more warmth for the times that were good, than I rue for the times that were not (wink).
5.18.2008
How Does This Happen?
I'm back, and probably no one will know it. Again, I needed a private place to say something that is a big deal in my life, and I want to get a good handle on it.
I have mentioned before that I have 8 parents. Two by birth, then they got divorced and I got stepparents (bringing the total to four) and since everyone is dysfunctional, I got foster parents - twice. In that blend, I got siblings, half-siblings, foster siblings and fostered foster siblings. (Please keep an accurate score, cause I do (giggle)!)
In my second foster family, I was 16 years old. When I was 21, I returned to live with the P's while my husband was serving in the Army stationed in Germany. At that time, they had another foundling who was about 16 or 17 years old, who I'll call D. His father was bi-polar, and his mother bailed, so they took him in. He was only there sporatically, whenever his father was drinking and not in his right mind and D needed the sanctuary. I enjoyed D's personality a lot, and as I was lonely, I spent a lot of time with my foster sister, D, his buddy, and a few other of my foster sister's friends of mixed ages.
There was safety in the group, I felt, and I was older than many of them. Those who were about my age were already married (Goatman) or involved in relationships that I wasn't interesting to compete with (Packrat). They taught me how to chat on CB's, as that was all the rage in the early to late 70's and so we all had our handles. I still use mine, but on the internet instead of the CB, now (Churchmouse). We'd go out for late nights at truck stops for coffee or other beverages and have a great time just joking and being social.
Time went on, and I moved back out of the P's for other places. I kept in touch with D through the years, and when he got married to his first wife, I lost touch with him. He wasn't good about giving phone numbers out. He is still a bit oblivious to doing that - giving out contact information. He resurfaced about 5 years later with a tiny little daughter and going through a divorce from a wife who had serious mental health issues.
Alone, with a lttle child to be responsible for, he was ripe for the next woman who came along and was willing to take on the job of organizing his responsibilities. Enter Trich. She came along, they got married, and she didn't seem to enjoy the company of myself or my foster sister very much. The foster parents had moved out west by now, so there was only us anymore.
So, once again, he fell out of touch, and we heard he'd moved to CA to be with her family. That was all we ever knew of him until his father died. Then he found a way to find my foster sister, and she let me know he was nearer to me than her - so my husband and I got to visit with him for a couple of hours before he went back to CA and was once again - out of touch. He hadn't looked good at that time, and it was more than his father passing away. I tried not to worry, and then I had no time to worry as my own marriage and children were falling apart under stress.
I had been divorced about a year when once again D resurfaced. This time he was with the P's in their new home out west. He had his wife and two younger kids with him. The kids were nearly grown, with his son a Senior in HS and his daughter only a year behind her brother. His wife had been chronically ill for many years at this point, and Mom P convinced D to stay awhile, help her out as she was caring for Dad P (and he was to die before a year would go by) and could use his help. She could help his wife get better health care options, and get her to the different doctor's offices while he was at work. Since this was a mutually good situation, he was happy to stay there. It worked out pretty well right up until a few months after Daddy P died. Then D's children were causing a lot of concern. His eldest (that tiny daughter) had grown into a drug addict with two children of her own, now. His son got his girlfriend pregnant and she lost her baby just before Daddy died. Then he got her pregnant again. The daughter is now living with other family friends and happy to do so, so she doesn't have to keep fetching and carrying for her mother so much.
D, being a construction electrician, often would find jobs that were far away from where they were living, and she couldn't leave her health care area. So, they would determine themselves legally separated for financial expediency for her healthcare provisions. He says he never strayed, and would come home every weekend or at the very least every other weekend when he could. He always sent home money, and figured eventually things would work for the best. Only they couldn't.
When things got to be too troubling for Mom P, D and his family left to live in a neighboring state. He eventually bougbt a home with a few acres of land, and then had to move his wife in with his sister since that home - though convenient for him to get to his job location - wasn't close enough to the kind of health care his wife needed. By this time, she'd had one amputation and now her other critical systems are compromised. She is a desperately ill woman. She has been chronically ill for over 15 years, now. This would be challenging for anyone to deal with. But she seems to be fine with her lot in life if everyone just understands that she can't do anything until she says she can. Frequently, she would try to do way too much, and then she'd fall apart when she'd convinced folks to believe in her getting things done. It made her someone to avoid, once you got to know her. Remember, that is what the daughter is now doing, though she really and dearly loves her mother. She needs to begin building her own life, and her mother is too needy to let her do that if she is nearby.
In all this time, D has been just trying to meet the needs of his family whatever they are. He has not been letting his own needs be met. He's just woken up and here begins the curious bit of my tale.
He was on the internet flirting as he so often does, and someone took him seriously. He'd met her for lunch while he was working in her state, and when he realized that she was interested. He found out that she was just 3 months out of a damaging relationship, and alarm bells were ringing mightily in his head. He called to talk to me for some help.
I took it all in, and I reminded him of what her state must be (needy, and not healthy as long as she didn't find her own way to be herself). He agreed. He talked a bit more and figured out what to say to that lady in getting himself out of the situation without suffering any stalking on her part.
Then he confided that she wasn't the only one who was needy. I had already known that, but was glad to hear he was figuring his situation out on his own. He talked of how he'd hoped his marriage would self heal, and now he knew he couldn't wait for that. I encouraged him to talk honestly with his wife, though she might visit some drama on him. There was always a chance that she would confess to being dissatisfied with things as they were, and might be willing to get some marital counseling with him so they could find a way to rebuild things if possible. We both admitted that, knowing Trich, this was expecting a lot; but worth a try. I prayed with him before we hung up, and I turned to do some unpacking (I have moved into my own apartment since March 5th - bliss!!!) that has been delayed.
Maybe two hours later, I took a break and went online. There he was, and there was a message letting me know he was home and thanking me for letting him talk. I responded to let him know it was my honor, and we began talking some more. Thats when he said something I had begun to suspect; but not to the degree he confided.
He said he'd had a huge crush on me when we were teens. Only, I was married and he didn't want to mess with that. I was careful of everyone back then, because I was lonesome, so I wasn't really sure if he had that crush or not.
I said that he'd hidden it well, and then asked if I had ever done anything to hurt or wound him. Cause if I had, I sincerly regretted it and wouldn't have ever done it on purpose. He said I didn't and I think he's being brave about that as I think back. He said he still has feelings; "but not like that. Because now I know you too well".
I don't think I believe that. I think he'd be absolutely ready to welcome me into his home if I wanted to go. The trouble is, I never think of him in that way. I am not attracted to him that way. I love him as a younger brother, so very much that it hurts to see him hurting. But I am just cringing at the thought of any intimacy between us. It just wasn't in my expectations.
Here's what troubles me on all of this. I am a fat, middle aged woman. I'm not ugly, but I am basically the kind of woman you would pick out of the crowd as the kind of lady you would enjoy being friends with. Man or woman, I am a social person. I make friends easily, but real friends are beloved friends and they know that. The point is, men don't want to be intimate with me, because I am not the kind of woman they want to be intimate with. I am not young, I am not trim. I am not willing to be a bedtime buddy, and believe in celibacy until marriage. I practice my faith with comensurate behavior, so I attend church often enough that many men are uncomfortable with me if they do bother to date me.
D on the other hand, is not ugly, and he should find a nice trim and beautiful woman to enjoy if he can't get his wife to agree on fixing what's broke in their marriage. He is not very socially smooth; but he is endearing. He has many great qualities, and I know he's not going to be alone for long if he does get divorced. Where on earth does his affection for me come from? Friendship, and affection for a friend whose known him since he was young and brash - that I understand. We'll always have that. But what on earth makes him think he would like being intimate with me?
I'm reminding myself that he is needy, and probably that is giving him eyes that see things that aren't there. It's just a bit surprising to me, is what I am realizing.
So, dear Peep. The thing is, that when you have a really sore and infected finger, it's sensitive! It feels weight and insists on being held up away from any tug of gravity. It will also enjoy lots of ice to relieve the pain. When we are going through a break up, or other catclysmic event, we are tender and living life in an exaggerated state of reality. We are not healthy.
Once that finger gets well, it won't like being made to stay in one place. Ice will begin to irriate more than soothe. The same is true of the relatinships that we enjoy during our time of deep need. Whatever meets the right need during that state, usually can't adapt to our changes to be healthier. That's why you shouldn't make any permanent decisions until you are once again stable and healthy.
Once D is stable and healthy, he will notice the other ladies and be glad he hadn't gotten me. That much I am sure of. I am just not sure how I feel about all of this.
3.27.2008
What Happened??
When you can't access a blog site for more than a day, there ought to be some explanation to the users. Y'know? That's all.
2.6.2008
SNOW!
Man o Man...we got some serious snow over here. We had about six inches of the stuff land and stay last week on Friday. I managed to get that shoveled, since the homeowner's snowblower won't start. It was below freezing, and so was light to shift and toss.
Yesterdays snow was more moist, and it was more trouble to shift and toss...but I did my double wide drive that is the length of three cars anyway. When I got up this morning, there was another four inches. I only cleared my front steps, the path to my car and in front of my car, near the house. I went to work, and got there in about 65 mins as opposed to the 40 I got there in yesterday, taking the same route.
The VP I help decided I should go home at noon, so I am missing some hours on my paycheck from having to leave early at 3:30 yesterday as well. I was on the off ramp for over 30 mins while I waited for three different cars to stop sitting sideways on that ramp so I could pass. I wish people who don't know how to drive in snow, would just stay home when there is serious stuff falling! If you just let it wait about four hours after rush hours, it is all pretty much cleared away and driving will be more safe. Each time someone pushed those vehicles out of their predicament, the drivers gunned their engines and spun their wheels instead of applying light pressure for slow but steady movement until your tires find some firm traction. Then proceed with care and caution until the snow is less deep.
The driver behind me was a bit anxious as I went past the van and the Jeep that kept getting themselves stuck (yes, there was a fool in the Jeep who was messin up even with four wheel drive!) on that narrow, curved off-ramp. I didn't know how anxious he was until I got to the highway, and he leaned on his horn and waved like crazy...then gave me thumbs up and I saw a wide grin when I turned on my rear wiper (I have a Ford Escort wagon, so it had that feature) to see what the fuss was. It felt good to have congratulations of that type.
When I finally got home, almost 2 hours after leaving work, I had 14 inches of wet heavy stuff to move out of the drive way, though I did manage to bully the car in.
I shoveled the front part so that I could pull the car in where the snow wasn't, and then the neighbor used his snowblower to get the rest of it gone (God BLESS him). I am now resting, and hoping that the snow will stop soon, so I can get the last of it removed and then take a nice hot bath and go to bed. I want to spend the whole day at work tomorrow!
I wouldn't miss it for all the sand in Arizona! You can keep that hot weather that won't let you walk on the sides of the pool in the daylight hours! I like the snow that has all the snowmobiles out, the kids making decent sized snowmen, and the hills all busy with sleds!
It's pretty to look at, too. [wide grin]
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